#18.5 / One small vowel makes the difference between being goosed all day and being goosed only occasionally

So I said I wanted one of those bodysuit things. She must have heard me wrong because I discovered this morning, and too late, that it’s one of those bodysuit thongs

This post is an addendum to #18 / My trippy triptych of days edging up to the summer solstice, in which I didn’t want to admit certain thangs, mostly and/or entirely because I sent the link to Asa and Judith.

But they are things you need to hear, because we’re in this together and besides, you’re used to me by now

So. I went to meet Asa, the photographer, and his partner Judith, the day before the conference, and that’s when I learned the truth about what I’d be doing during my stint as photographer’s assistant, and it involved stretching and reaching and cartwheeling and sprinting. I was in jeans and a loose summer top at the time and since I spent the afternoon in surprise training which involved all of the previously mentioned gymnastics plus lurching and swooping and crouching and jumping, first thing I did when I got in the car was drive to the mall for a bodysuit.

I searched high and low to no avail, and finally forced myself into Aritzia, which is where I asked for a bodysuit thing and was misunderstood.

Aritzia is full of beautiful stuff, but I really did have to force myself to go in, and it’s because the atmosphere makes me feel congested and although I’m not at all prone to hypochondria or claustrophobia, I come down with both the minute I step foot in there.

First of all, everything and everybody in the store is a size 2 and only slightly older.

I like being left alone when I’m shopping. I am unpleasant and my misery does not love company and when company comes my way, even in the form of an entirely friendly salesgirl, I scowl. I simply cannot help myself.

These girls chase me around the store asking if I want them to take whatever I am carrying into the change room and that’s when the first lie happens which is “these are gifts for my daughter”. Subsequent lies are necessary. Also gift receipts, banter about how she’ll probably love everything, etc.

And here’s why I will never try anything on in Aritzia and I hope you listen because I made that mistake once and this is a service announcement for which you are most welcome

Although you’d never know it by my blog, especially this one, I am a pretty private person and you will likely never see me trying on anything new. I’m just not the type to swirl in front of a mirror, especially a public one, and I’m here to tell you that the little change rooms in Aritzia do not have mirrors so you have to go into this pool of people, including sales girls trained to say “it’s lovely” and “the colour is perfect on you” and “would you like to try a bigger size”.

Anyway. I chose a white bodysuit and and a black bodysuit, for fifty bucks each, was informed of the non-return policy, and left the store.

I’d only been in there maybe ten minutes but all the merchandisers in all the other stores had been extremely busy during that time because I practically had to fight my way through all the bodysuits – available in all kinds of colours, sizes, lengths and for much less money – on the way to my car.

I left my new purchases in the bag until morning when I decided on the white one and that’s when I discovered, with a mostly forced gasp, that the thing was a thong

I am a tall person and bodysuits are difficult, and this one was nearly impossible, but I had to leave practically immediately, in spite still practicing my new gait.

To complicate matters that I was hoping to simplify, I chose to wear said bodysuit under a jumpsuit that is also a little short in the torso. The good thing was that I don’t think it looked too short, from the front anyway, and if it appeared a little lodged from behind there’s really nothing I can do but apologize, too late I know, to the world at large.

I learned pretty quickly after all the coffee, that when you’re wearing both a bodysuit and a jumpsuit, you’re asking for trouble when you need to pee and the best thing you can do is spring into action at the very first sign, otherwise almost certainly unpleasantness will ensue.

But it all went surprisingly well.

And since I am now an expert, I highly recommend this style of bodysuit when you need to be on your toes, like I’ve needed to be these past three days

One more thing. I just read this over and the bit about “I’m just not the type to swirl in front of a mirror, especially a public one…” stood out because that was the old me. The new me, and it will be interesting to see if this new version is for keeps, learned how to pose and how to act (and be?) un-selfconscious for once, and in front of a camera, too.