A Million Things That Taste As Good As Skinny Feels

I am cutting my calories in half. Can you hear the little fuckers screaming?

Nearly two years ago I said fuck it and made banana bread and then I started buying way too many bananas so I could do it over and over and then I learned how to make real bread which progressed into versions with sprouted spelt flour and I threw in organic raisins and walnuts to make myself feel better and eventually I added cocoa and eggs and sugar, went back to white flour, threw out the raisins, kept the walnuts, added icing, and called them fatties.

I’ve been steadily bulking up ever since

But I feel that the omigod variant might be on its way out and you know what’s going to happen then, don’t you? That’s right. We’ll be back to normal and day-pajamas will be shunned in favour of waistbands and I, to make a long story stout, will be fucked.

So I’ve decided to diet which is really just I’ve decided to eat like there is a tomorrow

I will miss my morning walks and the three hour hikes at noon and also the late afternoon ones which I am totally kidding about if you work with me. I will miss Daisy and tan lines and the cat and paddle boarding like I’m on vacation and all the steps I get on the way to and fro my fridge. And my fridge. I will miss my fridge. Also I’ve become awfully fond of the fish and all the plants I’ve propagated may they rest in peace. I will miss the walk to work which is about ten steps or twenty if I go the long way. I will miss faking it for zoom calls and also weekly showers or bi-

And here, just so you won’t think that headline misleading, the first ten of a million things that taste better than skinny feels (whatever that is)

1. french fries with chocolate milk

2. french fries alone

3. chocolate milk alone

4. chocolate

5. potatoes with butter

6. potatoes with butter, mashed

7. fucking potato chips

8. chocolate ice cream with bits, any kind

9. scalloped potatoes but not mine they always fucking curdle

10. fatties
    

    Shouldn’t be too tough. I mean I’ve always watched what I eat but for the next while, that will mean more than turning on the lights