this is not my beautiful house

Archive

BOOMER HUMOUR
- May 30, 2019 Things that I used to think were perfect (but now they’re not)
- May 16, 2019 The downside of losing weight when you’re older
- Apr 30, 2019 Things I can’t quite get the swing of
- Apr 26, 2019 Those? Oh. They’re my scruples.
- Apr 16, 2019 Brave New Words
- Apr 12, 2019 Things you don’t see in your mirror at home
- Apr 7, 2019 Rhetorical (sort of) questions
- Mar 27, 2019 Lyrics you had wrong all along
- Mar 25, 2019 I do nt text well
FEELING FUNNY
- Jun 5, 2020 I cut my hair. It’s rad. Want me to do yours?
- May 13, 2020 I don’t see how my glass being half full makes me an optimist
- May 6, 2020 Fuck Moderation. It’s my new isolation motto. Hope you like it
- Apr 28, 2020 I had noise for breakfast with a side of plaid. How ’bout you?
- Apr 23, 2020 Pour Me A Grape
- Apr 14, 2020 The New Chic
- Apr 7, 2020 How many horses walk into a bar where there’s no lightbulb does it take to knock knock
- Mar 23, 2020 The Birds
- Mar 17, 2020 Social Distancing Tips from a Pro
- Mar 10, 2020 So I bought a dress
- Mar 3, 2020 The Ideas of March
- Feb 21, 2020 Perfectionists Untie!
- Feb 13, 2020 Hello equal and opposite
- Feb 7, 2020 Add another mind-fuck to the list
- Feb 4, 2020 We have art so that we will not die of reality, Nietzsche said
- Jan 30, 2020 Well that was weird
- Jan 24, 2020 I can fart in Kashyyykian. That’s right. I’m fluent
- Jan 21, 2020 Dear Whom
- Jan 9, 2020 Spellcheck is on a bender today, the little this
- Jan 6, 2020 OK Brad
- Jan 4, 2020 2020 has a nice ring to it but then again so does everything else
- Dec 30, 2019 Only two more days to get all the badassery out of your system before you get a whole new slate
- Dec 26, 2019 My plot is thickening nicely, as is the rest of me
- Dec 23, 2019 I have an inflamed sense of punctuation, a case of all caps, and acute apostrophobia
- Dec 20, 2019 I am typing with one eye today
- Dec 18, 2019 It’s -7 out there, 5am on a Wednesday, and the weather guy just said it FEELS like -29. I have questions
- Dec 13, 2019 About this morning…
- Dec 12, 2019 The sunny side of the street is both sides, baby
- Dec 7, 2019 Please pass your eyebrow pencil
- Dec 5, 2019 The cleaner my house, the messier my mind
- Dec 3, 2019 I am scrolling with my forehead today and opening doors with my face
- Nov 28, 2019 Okay so I might have to be a hermit now
- Nov 19, 2019 I write this blog wrecklessly – have you noticed?
- Nov 14, 2019 It just takes a few notes, sometimes only one lingering one, and move over Pavlov, I think I’m gonna drool
- Nov 12, 2019 I love snow and it’s mostly because it fills me with hope for a full-on nobody-goes-anywhere Snow Day
- Nov 6, 2019 I am reading The Great Gatsby again. Please pass me my eyelashes
- Nov 1, 2019 It’s my birthday and I have a list of demands, for myself mostly
- Oct 30, 2019 If this pink eye keeps up, and all indications are that it will, I’ve got my costume
- Oct 23, 2019 I think I am possessed by the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield
- Oct 16, 2019 Why does everyone stick their tongue out in pictures or get all kissey-faced and poultry?
- Oct 11, 2019 All this thankfulness is getting out of control
- Oct 8, 2019 If you are as old as you feel, I am 210, and that’s rounding down
- Oct 3, 2019 If G is for Groovy, I am forEezing
- Sep 26, 2019 Don’t Tell Me To Calm Down Mother-Fucker
- Sep 24, 2019 Out of touch is when you turn on the Emmys and don’t know anybody
- Sep 19, 2019 I’m writing a short story right now and it’s a heavy one, which makes it difficult to write anything unheavy. Just so you know
- Sep 12, 2019 I try to look attentive and engaged in meetings when all I am really doing is following my floaters
- Sep 8, 2019 If butterflies can migrate all the way to Lorem Ipsum, why can’t I even google anything?
- Aug 29, 2019 Nashville hot chicken at the Ex makes me forget everything, including not to swoon in public
- Aug 27, 2019 I can’t take a good selfie. My arms aren’t long enough
- Aug 23, 2019 If I listened to the old adage “If you can’t say anything nice...” what would you be doing right now?
- Aug 20, 2019 If you’re feeling thick-skinned and want to join me at the Ex today, I’m the girl flying around solo wearing the I’M WITH STUPID t-shirt
- Aug 16, 2019 It’s even earlier than usual this morning, and there’s one very happy bird keeping me awake
- Aug 13, 2019 They’re starting to get the Ex ready and it gives me butterflies mostly, and some dragons
- Aug 9, 2019 So I had a Yawneureka! moment
- Aug 6, 2019 So I got chased by a Spider in one of those park washrooms
- Aug 1, 2019 I’ve been calling myself a writer forever, even when I didn’t write, so now I’m just going to go ahead and call myself a comedian and see what happens
- Jul 30, 2019 Most of my skills are outdated but I can still swear like a drunken sailor and run like a mother-fucker unless it’s the other way around
- Jul 26, 2019 If you want me to be cordial, please pass me one because I’m feeling a little antonymy today
- Jul 23, 2019 I think spellcheck has been hanging out with urban dictionary, because it’s a lot less fuckle than it used to be
- Jul 18, 2019 At first I thought I was channeling Marlon Brando, but now I’m pretty sure I’m channeling Tequila Sunrises
- Jul 15, 2019 Do you think flower-coaching can be a real thing?
- Jul 12, 2019 The problem with microdosing is that before too long you want another microdose
- Jul 9, 2019 So now I can read minds
- Jul 4, 2019 I think I sprained my eyes last night
- Jun 27, 2019 #19 / This is not a new feeling, but it’s rare, especially without tequila
- Jun 24, 2019 #18.5 / One small vowel makes the difference between being goosed all day and being goosed only occasionally
- Jun 23, 2019 #18 / My trippy triptych of days edging up to the summer solstice
- Jun 14, 2019 #17 / At the risk of sounding like you-know-who, some of my favourite things
- Jun 7, 2019 #16 / My shopping behaviour is either whimsical, or a result of the malt whiskey which has been in my system since birth
- Jun 4, 2019 #15 / Thank you for your divided attention
- May 31, 2019 #14 / Public transit foes and fumbles
- May 28, 2019 #13 / Once again the old saying “there’s one in every crowd” means exactly me
- May 25, 2019 #12 / I am very sorry for my recent behaviour almost constantly
- May 21, 2019 #11 / Your friends are your super-powers
- May 17, 2019 #10 / Let’s see what this one will be about
- May 11, 2019 #9 / Some teachers matter and are included when you count your lucky stars
- May 7, 2019 #8 / We are all the same, only different
- Apr 30, 2019 #7 / Sometimes I forget how funny things are
- Apr 26, 2019 #6 / Out out damn spot
- Apr 22, 2019 #5 / Hang on to your hat, and everything else, too!
- Apr 17, 2019 #4 / Crowds are for the birds
- Apr 12, 2019 #3 / I’m feeling funny about this, three
- Apr 4, 2019 #2 / I’ve got a funny feeling about this, too
- Mar 29, 2019 #1 / I’ve got a funny feeling about this
FRIVOLISTS
- Jun 17, 2019 What doesn’t kill you makes you stranger and other mostly incorrect idioms
- May 25, 2019 Imagine the questions to these Jeopardy answers (or vice-versa)
- May 16, 2019 For Whom the Weather Tolls
- May 10, 2019 I will keep making lists and here’s why
- Apr 30, 2019 Why today is a bad day to quit drinking
- Apr 22, 2019 Perfectly acceptable reasons to hoard
- Apr 16, 2019 Some lists are doomed from the get-go
- Apr 12, 2019 Things Alexa doesn’t know
- Apr 6, 2019 Spring gardening tips or What I learned (again) today
- Mar 28, 2019 Things for which alcohol really is the answer
- Mar 24, 2019 Misfortune cookies
- Mar 24, 2019 Things about working from home
- Mar 22, 2019 Stupid things I’ve heard people say
Feeling Funny
- Jul 10, 2023 This cleanse is making me nicely light-headed... but
- Jul 4, 2023 Dear Pelvic Floor
- Jun 22, 2023 I am a shy girl with wildly fluctuating self esteem
- Jun 20, 2023 Triangles were first on my shopping list
- Jun 13, 2023 I Can See You From Here
- Jun 6, 2023 Divine-ish Intervention
- May 30, 2023 These new EXIT signs are more like MAD-DASH-TO-THE-WASHROOM signs
- May 23, 2023 Feels like something’s gonna pop doesn’t it?
- Apr 18, 2023 Why I Hate Spiders – The Movie
- Apr 11, 2023 Giving Up The Ghosts
- Apr 4, 2023 Twister Hooves and Balloons (Oh My!)
- Dec 22, 2022 Are there crash courses on meditation?
- Dec 13, 2022 I am the Tortoise AND the Hare... also the Walrus
- Dec 8, 2022 Help Wanted
- Dec 6, 2022 Refrain is A Beautiful Homonym when it comes to my new Christmas jingle
- Nov 28, 2022 Ten Things I Googled Last Week
- Oct 5, 2022 Oh look... a Flying Fuckaroo!
- Sep 23, 2022 Homing from Work
- Aug 26, 2022 Final Draft, Second Wind
- Aug 3, 2022 Serenity When?
- Jul 28, 2022 Mornings And Other Contagions
- Jul 26, 2022 I Spinach, Therefore I Yam
- Jun 3, 2022 The Bread Also Rises
- May 31, 2022 Tra-La
- Mar 24, 2022 These Gifts
- Mar 15, 2022 I sprained my eyes looking for reason
- Mar 9, 2022 All my life I’ve been in situations where I just stand there, shrug, and go “I don’t fucking know”
- Mar 2, 2022 Change of Fart
- Feb 22, 2022 I Am A Duck Whisperer
- Feb 17, 2022 Turdle
- Feb 11, 2022 Lyrical Enlightenment
- Feb 8, 2022 A Million Things That Taste As Good As Skinny Feels
- Feb 5, 2022 Happy January 36th!
- Jan 2, 2022 Winging in the New Year
- Dec 2, 2021 Last time I paddle-boarded I hollered to everyone who mitten-pointed at me I AM IN DENIAL
- Nov 11, 2021 Heigh-Fucking-Ho
- Nov 2, 2021 Second guesses are too late
- Sep 15, 2021 Meditation is like blue cheese dip
- Sep 3, 2021 Fall is Prarie Dogging
- Aug 27, 2021 Daisy’s gone all Blanche DuBois in this heat
- Jul 28, 2021 Lemonade Anyone?
- Jul 14, 2021 My Scripted Life
- Jun 26, 2021 There’s no place like home-row
- Jun 15, 2021 A: Tequila!
- May 28, 2021 Me at the garden centre: I’ll take one of everything!!!
- May 20, 2021 Pathetiquette
- May 7, 2021 The plight of the red-winged blackbird
- May 4, 2021 Never thought I’d be a step junkie yet here we are...
- Apr 30, 2021 And I thought I was windy
- Apr 23, 2021 I had gnats for breakfast, how ’bout you?
- Apr 21, 2021 Suspension of disbelief is not just for swallowing the printed word
- Apr 9, 2021 You know what happens when you say you don’t believe in Fairies, right?
- Apr 1, 2021 Played some rage-tennis last night
- Mar 26, 2021 Blog titles I came up with when I couldn’t come up with blog titles
- Feb 24, 2021 I overthink, therefore I overam
- Feb 11, 2021 “I’m not a cat” is what a cat would say
- Feb 5, 2021 Not to be dramatic, but...
- Feb 3, 2021 I have bangs now like Bette Davis as Charlotte
- Jan 29, 2021 How to February
- Jan 26, 2021 5 Reasons I Hate Lists
- Jan 23, 2021 Self-awareness is not my fort
- Jan 20, 2021 I’m awake. Are you awake?
- Jan 18, 2021 Just a few more adjustments to the English language if you will
- Jan 11, 2021 My cat is shady AF
- Jan 7, 2021 My new zoom pyjamas are the bomb, yo
- Jan 4, 2021 New Year, New Vices
- Dec 31, 2020 You had me at “Happy
- Dec 29, 2020 Well that was a nice little blur wasn’t it?
- Dec 24, 2020 Jingling all the (other) way
- Dec 21, 2020 Amazon is a Rabid Hole
- Dec 17, 2020 Does Cineplex deliver?
- Dec 10, 2020 In-the-know is in-the-now and versa-vise
- Dec 2, 2020 My Invisible Fiend
- Nov 24, 2020 I Yurt, therefore I Yam
- Nov 20, 2020 Now there’s CARTOONS in my out pile, too
- Nov 17, 2020 Is there an Impulsive Anonymous?
- Nov 12, 2020 The Self-Careness of Denial
- Nov 5, 2020 I weighed myself just now and I want a recount
- Nov 3, 2020 Synonyms for Nervous
- Oct 29, 2020 Know any Supervillains who can cook?
- Oct 22, 2020 The Zombies’ She’s Not There is about Me
- Oct 20, 2020 If agnostic means passively not giving a shit, I’ve found my verb (unless it’s my adjective or maybe my noun)
- Oct 8, 2020 What does “phenomenal patient” even mean?
- Oct 1, 2020 How to October
- Sep 24, 2020 I have one nerve left and I’m on it
- Sep 2, 2020 Ever wonder what stepping on a soft-bodied, eight-limbed mollusc feels like?
- Aug 17, 2020 Remember when Forrest Gump starting running just because he felt like it?
- Aug 13, 2020 I Just Inhaled A Grasshopper
- Aug 10, 2020 Yoga for Bourbon
- Jul 30, 2020 Challenge accepted, motherfuckers. And sorry I missed your call
- Jul 27, 2020 The “quarantine fifteen” everybody says don’t worry about is in kg, right? Asking for a fiend
- Jul 20, 2020 There appears to have been a struggle
- Jul 10, 2020 VooDoo for Children
- Jun 26, 2020 People are naming their babies Corona and I have alternatives for their dumb asses
- Jun 18, 2020 I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one
- Jun 11, 2020 Some things Daisy and I discussed on our walk this morning
So This Just Happened
- Jun 28, 2019 Bodysuits don’t come with instructions, so please consider this a Public Service Announcement
Vikings & Wallflowers
- Mar 26, 2019 Your Name, here
a temporary story
- Jul 17, 2023 Up A Storm
for links
- Jul 9, 2021 Chapter 6