I Just Inhaled A Grasshopper
Those of you who have been out on a rip with me are probably rolling your eyes and saying what fucking else is new but NO! I mean the insect kind. I have never eaten a shoe, but I imagine the sensations are similar
It happened on my walk up the hill and I bet it looked like I was dying. I felt elbows in my throat which is not something I write every day. Or maybe they were knees. And then I felt big jolty death moves (not mine) in my thorax if I have one and then it was over.
And I resumed as if almost nothing had happened
I am listening to essential music of the 70s which isn’t nearly as essential as essential music of the 60s but whatev. Giving it a go. And I was thinking like how your mom used to say wear clean underwear just in case you’re in an accident which is pretty cold and I hope it wasn’t just MY mom who I guess was pretty big on ruses which is a nice word for threats.
Anyway. Fuck. Digress much?
Anyway. Careful what you listen to in case you choke on a grasshopper and actually need help because I was listening to Play That Funky Music White Boy (slink) Play That Funky Music Right and if anybody from this century had come to my rescue, not that they fucking did, they probably would have just said (slink) Lay Down That Boogie and Play That Funky Music Til You Die.
Oh Jesus. I could have done better there. Maybe I’ll get back to it (won’t) but for now I’ll just keep on galloping forward until the spell passes or I need another drink which both mean the same thing
Ever had a bug smack into your eyeball and you feel it at first and then you don’t and you convince yourself it’s not actually dwelling in your eye folds but when you pull your lid up or down later, when you’re mostly over it, sometimes it’s still there like a scribble?
So I kept thinking an appendage might be swinging out of my nose or a shit was stuck between my teeth. Thank you very much spellcheck. Like I fucking needed that. A shin is what I meant although I suppose either is just as likely.
But when I got home I checked the mirror and I was sweaty and a man but no weird lumps or tufts. At least not in my face
Like I said it probably looked like I was dying. But I think I’m the type of person who looks used to trauma of sorts and people probably think whatever it is, looks like she can handle it. She’ll be okay. Let’s keep going. Meanwhile I was fucking doubled over unable to breathe out and afraid to breathe in. But here I am. And they were right. I got over it.
But if you see me picking my nose, I am not. I am searching out the infiltrator
Because I’m feeling awfully hoppy and I don’t mean just the beer.
