Those red and yellow stripes aren’t peathers they’re pucking war medals

I’ve got those birds figured out so consider this a PSA. The males perch somewhere close to you and you get all flattered because they understand you’re just the sort of person they can trust and you bask in their nearness for a minute until you get slightly creeped out but then you convince yourself not to be an idiot because all this innocent-looking bird is doing is just sitting pretty.

But it’s just a ruse, honey

What this bird is actually doing is luring you away from his wife and kids and if this sounds familiar you better stop hanging around those kinds of places.

And if you don’t fall for the little sirens, they fucking dive bomb you

And again, if this sounds familiar, you need to regain your sensitivity to red flags.

Also my life is one big game of lost and found

It happened again last night. I was playing tennis with the local wall and because I wear a ring on my left index finger sometimes a pinch of flesh gets caught between it and the racket and who the fuck needs that so last night I took my ring off and put it in the thigh pocket of my pants along with my iPhone which was just fucking smoking trying to keep count of all my steps.

I can’t imagine an activity, next to the Charleston, that would accrue more steps

I take my phone practically everywhere now so I can get to 20 grand a day.

And like all my bad habits, I fully embrace it

I played until I was worn out and then I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked my count and it was like 250 over so I went home and made popcorn and started watching Ep. 3 of The Handmaid’s Tale (omg) and then I remembered my ring and of course it was not in my thigh pocket although I checked a million fucking times which makes me the poster girl for insanity I know. So I felt up the couches and pressed pause and went back to the tennis wall but it wasn’t there – my ring I mean, not the wall – so I decided I’d wait until today and give my house a thorough search/clean, you know, kill two birds as they say.