Those? Oh. They’re my scruples.

Old-fashioned words and phrases that need to be replaced.

1. Heavens to Betsy/Murgatroyd
   Heavens to Olivia/Noah

2. Knee high to a grasshopper
   Knee high to a mojito

3. You sound like a broken record
   You sound like a glitch

4. Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans
   Oh shut up

5. Do not touch that dial
   How in the hell do you turn this thing on?

6. Dance as if no one is watching
   Somebody’s always watching

7. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels
   See #2 above

8. I think, therefore I am
   I drink, therefore I am

9. Be yourself, everyone else is taken
   Be yourself, identity theft is frowned upon

10. TGIF
    Oh shut up

Old-fashioned words and phrases that need to be restated during this era (error?) of Trump, because the way things are going, we might run out of suitable insults. These are attributed to Theodore Roosevelt – no kidding – who apparently was in possession of a time-machine.

1. Being who belongs to the cult of non-virility

2. Classical ignoramus

3. Fragrant man swine

4. Handshake like a wilted petunia

5. Infernal skunk

6. Little emasculated mass of inanity

7. A mind that functions at six guinea-pig power

8. Miserable little snob

9. Thorough-paced scoundrel

10. White-livered weakling