You know what happens when you say you don’t believe in Fairies, right?
Well guess what? I don’t believe in calories. It’s my new weight loss strategy
It’s a cinch!
Better than the ones on Medium that start with big clicky headlines like Exercising and Losing Weight Are Easy and How I Lost Ten Pound In Ten Days Without Trying which is clearly bullshit unless amputation was involved and please, pretend I didn’t just say that.
Obviously, my way takes the cake
And I just bought a dress, not in my current size, which goes to show you how committed I am. Ten pounds should do it, you know, so I’m thinking by the time my dress gets here, it should fit.
Also, did I mention I’ve started baking my own bread?
First time I ever used yeast was last Sunday when I made pizza crust because No Frills was closed and I couldn’t buy the bag of stinky goo I usually use so I went to Shoppers and got yeast and I had flour at home because cake so I made my own stinky goo which was delicious.
Yeast is weird
It’s just a bunch of perfect beige dots until it goes into your measuring spoon where it turns into sparks. It’s trippy but it’s a cinch, too. Making bread is easier than going to the store to buy some which sounds like I’m pulling your leg but I’m not. Since Sunday I have made three different types of bread, five loaves in total, all wildly successful, and I don’t think I’ll ever buy bread again.
So yesterday I was humping up the hill after a run (trot) and listening to 60s music. I was overheated and I know just how I look to the passengers who whiz so closely by in their cars on the way to the beach because I can see their shocked faces.
I look like a flushed Bela Lugosi or fucking Maude
People are still wearing coats and even hats just to give you an idea of how things are around here and there I was in a white t-shirt that says HELLO SUNSHINE, my face glowing redly. I had my coat tied around my waist and the phone in its pocket was bouncing around my knees and the songs kept switching and I know them all so well it didn’t really matter, you know, but then it switched to this song I was unfamiliar with and it caught my ear that’s for sure.
Bluesy and a voice like a stream of cool water and sometimes it sort of went over rocks and got growly and pained in just the way I love
Nice and dark but lilty too, you know, and it was interesting lyrically and I followed the story along and before I knew it the hump was over and I pulled out my phone which is a little piece of trickery in my inept hands and wonky vision further impeded by sweat and so fucking tired, and I don’t know what happened on my screen but it fucking said Justin Bieber – maybe due to another knee slam I don’t know – and for the rest of the walk I was amazed. I’d never listened to Justin Bieber before – in fact I’d gone out of my way to not listen to him – I thought he was all poppy and stupid but there he was just fucking great.
In reality, I’d been listening to Bill Withers Ain’t No Sunshine from my playlist and I guess my knee skipped it to his greatest hits and then I guess my knee again made Justin Bieber’s name come up. I guess
Sounds unlikely I know. And speaking of, do you know how many coincidences are in Charles Dickens’ work? I mean he doesn’t ask for suspension of disbelief so much as assume it and I still remember when what’s her name went to church and sat right beside her own mother who she didn’t know was her mother in Bleak House.
I didn’t handle that one very well. Might have even sent the paperback airborne but I guess I scrambled after it because I read it to the end.
I don’t know about you but I’m glad I read all those classics (and Ayn Rand) when I was in my twenties full of patience and wine and weed.
Don’t think I could do it today when I’m only full of bread
But now, while writing The Poole Obits, I understand how handy a good little coincidence is. In fact, I have used not only one but two fairly heady ones involving the SAME PERSON – I know, right? – and because I can see into the future, I see people just like you rolling their eyes and launching my novel across their rooms.
This will require some stern editing when the time comes but for now, it stays. And sort of like my new weight loss strategy, I’ve talked myself into believing it works.
*I’m Her Daddy, Bill Withers
