Know any Supervillains who can cook?

Because I hear there’s an opening at the Whitehouse. Job description here:

Eggs very soft, unadherable to face
Cereal must float
French fries straight, uniform, and pale
Vegetables quiet, no squeaky
Covefefe
Alphabet soup for tweeting inspiration
Steak, abc
No visible roughage
Ice cream coney, very Vanilla and incredibly Supreme
Worms
Meatloaf (because 32 out of 50 ain’t bad)
Pizza, backwards
Vodka, Russian (duh)
Ability to duplicate Happy Meals a definite asset

Just got back, this second – I’m still panting – from a Daisy walk-turned-run. I used to run as practice, you know, so I’d be able to outrun the Enbridge guy, et fucking al. Now I run to get home before I forget shit. For instance, I thought of a nice little way to end this list and it goes like so:

Fresh tarts, on demand

And then I was going to add not necessarily Slovenian

but I didn't

and I was going to preface the entire suffix with grab your lady-crotches everybody, I got one more

but I decided against that, too, thank goodness