There appears to have been a struggle

This could apply to any or all parts of my life including my latest attempt at decluttering, my self-inflicted hair cut, my imaginary roller-skating debut, and/or writing this blog

That’s right motherfuckers. I tried Marie Kondoing again and you should have seen it. My kids came home and thought I’d been kidnapped or maybe just drinking but there I was behind piles of items that all tested positive for joy.

Holyfuckingshit

I know it’s July but all the big coats were still in the main closet here – and because it was too hot to even complain out there – I decided to stay inside and shift everything and I don’t know about you but when I shift (take a breath now while you got a chance) shit gets lost and then next winter I’ll be saying who took my purple puffy thingy and everybody will say not me and I won’t believe them, the liars, but it’ll only be lost because I thought of a good place to stash it and forgot.

I am not a very good declutterer although I am an excellent deClutterbucker and those of you following along – hang in there – it’s coming

Ending a season is just like ending a novel except you gotta leave certain doors open a little and others open a lot and you also have to think about the windows and maybe let the readers know there are a few things right behind the door, too, and also try to get them peeking between the croutons. Fuck off spellcheck. Curtains. Between the curtains.

It’s a struggle. Let me tell you. I mean it’s the best sort of struggle and it sometimes eases into a breeze and then it’s wonderful but that breeze? It’s a fickle fucker

Spellcheck just fainted.

Anyway. When I declutter, I always feel like I wasted my time because all I really do is hide and rearrange, so I like to build a careful little out pile to make me feel at least slightly accomplished but when you get up in the night and grab things from the out pile and bring them back to bed with you, it’s the worst kind of out pile. It’s fraudulent.

I don’t want to talk about my self-inflicted haircut which sounds a lot less rude than the truth which is my self-inflicted bangs which sounds like something lonely people do so let’s just not.

But I’ll talk about the roller skates

Do you think I’ve been walking (and sometimes running) down (mostly) and up that big hill multiple times a day just for fun? Not so much. You think I’ve been eating like a normal person (mostly) just for fun? Nope. And the weights? All part of the plan because I got new outdoor wheels for my roller skates that I haven’t used in x years, or actually xx years, and I am in training.

Do you remember Jordan Baker, the golfer from The Great Gatsby?

She didn’t indulge in alcohol like the rest of the hopeless people in that beautiful book. She was always in training instead and she indulged in other things like carelessness and love and winning and I adore her, and because I am scared shitless of falling, I may stay in a state of perpetual training, too.

Falling didn’t really occur to me xx years ago but it’s a big deal now. So I got the wrist guards and the need pads (nice one spellcheck) and I’ve googled how to fall and how not to fall and hope I don’t mix them up

Like the way dogs bark at people who are afraid of them, people who are afraid of falling fucking fall, so I am working on the mental aspects of roller skating now, and am practicing in the backyard, you know, trying to get the feel.

In the back yard I am a badass

Also very glad our yard is private but too bad for the neighbours because they are really missing something. I mean I run on the skates and flail and fall and squat repeatedly etc. because according to youtube, you gotta keep saying “oh no go low” so you’ll remember that during an on-wheel crisis, you gotta get the fuck close to the ground, you know, so gravity’s not as effective.

So I’m bobbing all the time now. Even at No Frills

Where I am going now to get powdered peanut butter because even though it sounds ridiculous and I have rolled my very own eyes at it before, have you tried it with a sprinkle of cinnamon over sliced banana that you freeze?

It is a completely in-training sort of snack that also pairs well with dark chocolate and any colour wine if you’re in a fuckit sort of mood

Okay. Back to Clutterbucks now. But it’s been nice talking to you.