VooDoo for Children

I think the Quick Brown Fox sentence from 1885 could use a refresh, so I’m practicing by using 10-point Scrabble letters a little morque. Also trying out catchy, misleading blog titles

Also reading George Burns’ autobiography All My Best Friends which is of course about Mr. Burns himself, but it’s also about vaudeville, Jack Benny who mostly just stood on stage and glared funny, and it talks a lot about how comics had to reinvent themselves. Like Georgie Jessel who was one of vaudeville’s greatest, but quick as a wink after vaudeville’s demise, he became “America’s Toastmaster General” and made a career out of speaking at funerals.

He gave the eulogy at so many funerals that people used to claim the most feared question in show business was Jessel asking, with an anxious look in his eye, “So, how you feeling?”

Anyway. tons of funny stuff in the book and George Burns’ story – which goes from vaudeville to radio to television and movies – is told in nice little bits and pieces between punchlines and pictures and the inside showbiz scoop which I adore and voraciously live vicariously through. Xz. J.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
– George Burns

(APPLAUSE)

I don’t really know why I am avoiding work which in my case means avoiding writing which makes me feel just like Daisy must feel now. You should see her. We just came back from a 45-minute hike in what felt like the rainforest and she’s flat out on the floor. Listless. Blah. Hot dog.

I am at least upright, mostly, although I am perhaps listing a little to the left and may soon join her depending on the gravity

And there’s something about gravity which is akin to my plight. Of course I know that gravity does not fluctuate. But. You know. I mean some days I go down and up the huge Bluffers Park hill three times and don’t die and other days I go wonce and wince for the rest of the day. (Spellcheck has succumbed it seems.)

What is that, I ask, other than gravity fucking with me?

But I think maybe this invisible force that’s keeping me from writing is just a pause button that I have subconsciously activated and will subconsciously deactivate whenev and I’m trying not to be too concerned because then it settles in whatever the fuck it is.

So instead of writing for real, which for me right now means finishing Season One of Clutterbucks, I’m just playing around with words and letters which means making up crossword puzzles and writing the little blurbs and ads and eblasts I do for work.

Also like I said I’m thinking of fetching little blog subject lines – or sentences that use every letter of the alphabet – and this one maybe does both:

A drowning fox overtly humps quick but lazy jogger

Think about that for a minute. You’re welcome.

Also to hone my procrastination skills, I have designed a mask for non-maskers.

It comes with instructions which go something like put the fucking thing on

This design offers them the flexibility to both comply with the rules AND continuously convey the way they feel about being bossed around.

Another fave procrastination technique is cooking which is code for eating

Here is the best thing you’ll ever eat and it’s perfect for this Heat Wave which is really more than a Wave. It’s an Extended Visit.

Lemongrass Sauce:

• 2 tablespoons grated white parts of lemongrass

• 2 cloves garlic

• 1/4 cup fish sauce

• 1/4 cup vegetable oil

• 1/4 cup lime juice (4 limes)

• 2 tablespoons rice vinegar

• 2 tablespoons brown sugar

• 1 tablespoon spicy chili sauce or paste or even saracha (fuck off spellcheck)

Now whiz it all in your blender and pour it on almost anything. Except popcorn. It evaporates popcorn. Like it totally disappears the minute you pour this sauce on it. Or so I am told

I poured it over nicely arranged cold: vermicelli, tofu, stir-fried broccoli, carrots and cucumber matches with fresh mint and cilantro and it was divine. I made it yesterday for the first time and I am making it again tonight and maybe for the next week or two because, as you may know, I do things all the way to the end of excess and then a little morque.

Because, as they say, nothing succeeds like excess

Also I was reading up on the Keto Diet which I am totally not doing and I came across this and read it wrong and because I am twelve, I'm gonna share…

What it said:
Day 7 - Metabolism speed increases, fats start to disappear

What I read:
Day 7 - Metabolism speed increases, farts start to disappear

Pack my box high with five dozen liquor jugs.